Friends...an Analysis.

So I have been thinking for a while about my friends.  A few of my friends know all about me, while others have no idea.

That is beside the point.  I really have only been comfortable in my life coming out to girls and guys who are gay.  When I think about the girls I came out to in high school, I often wonder what they truly thought.  I was never able to really show them who I was in person; I have always lived a double life.

It really makes me wonder though, who would my friends have been in high school?  If I were truly a girl, who would I have hung out with?  Who would I have dated?  What would my life actually have been like?  And of course...what would I have worn to prom?

This even extends to college.  I roomed with a guy, which for someone like me is a lot more stressful than it looks.  I hung out with girls and slowly came out to the girls on my floor.  But still...I never showed anyone who I really was.

Maybe it is a dumb thing to want to know what life would have been like.  I just look at where my life currently is and realize that I have been giving all of my friends half of who I am.  This halving of friends has caused me to only halfway get to know the people I love.

I wish I had a group of people I could say I gave it all to...I wish.

~Madi~

Athletics

So I recently coached a girls' sport for the first time.  I didn't know what to expect going into the experience and I was a bit nervous.

It turned out to be an amazing experience.  One of the things I observed was how much the girls got along and became a family.  I was a bit jealous looking back on my playing days with guys who just acted tough and picked on each other.  I learned so much during this experience and it made me realize I wish I would have been a female athlete in high school.

The other thing I learned in this experience is that it is OK for me to like sports.  As I coached these girls I started to hear them talk about the Packer game the weekend prior or the Brewers and what they were doing.

This may seem like a trivial post to all of you out there...but sports are viewed as an extremely masculine thing.  It was always an internal battle for me between my absolute love for sports and my understanding deep down that I am female.  I now feel completely content with watching the playoffs tonight and all out rooting for the Red Sox.

~Madi~

AAHHH I went for a crossdress run.

So...as you can tell from my title...I went for a run...in girls clothes!

For starters, let me set the scene.  It was Sunday night.  It was already dark and I run on a very rural trail.  It isn't very well lit and about 15 cars drove by the whole time.

But still.  I did it.  And if you know me, this is a huge step forward!

I wore girls shorts, a tight t, a sports bra with breasts.  The breasts were noticeable and if someone would have walked by I think they would have been very confused.  I am extremely proud of these results!!!

Just thought I'd share.

~Madi~

Yikes

Tonight I am ashamed.

I was out in Milwaukee with some of my guy friends and I started to realize how awful males can be.  This particular story begins with the men's restroom...which is for obvious reasons an extremely awkward situation for me.

I was in the restroom starting to realize that guys will do anything.  First, there was one guy who was being a complete douche towards everyone else.  He felt as if he was in charge directing traffic.  He was making up rules that meant whatever he wanted.  Then...a girl showed up in the bathroom...

I totally understand chivalry...I really do.  I fantasize about a guy treating me like a princess and making my every dream come true...at the same time, I think I see through the bs and drunkedness this guy was showing and see the true creepiness of the situation.

He allowed every single girl past every guy and hit on them as if he was the best looking and greatest guy in town.  I think, as someone who truly thinks as a female, that this is awful.  I saw him treat every guy as an ass...and to see him turn on this "charm" to females was just so wrong.  It was an act...an act to get laid...and it was shameful and creepy.  I further investigated this with other guys all night and learned that guys will do anything to get laid.  It's embarrassing...and I hate that I was/am one of them.

That is all.  Ladies...we don't deserve this.

~Madi~

So as my first picture nears...

So as my first picture nears, I have started to learn a few things about my life.

1.  It feels like I am mixing and matching parts.  The boobs could be bigger...or maybe you should do this...or that.  It isn't a bad thing...but most girls don't get to choose how large this is or how small this other part is...and it is kind of an odd feeling.

2.  I am extremely self conscious.  My male persona always comes off as super confident...my girl persona is not confident at all.  In fact she is lost a lot of the time and just wants everyone to love her.

3.  I get jealous.  I am so jealous of all the tremendous "racks" my friends have!  I am even more jealous of everything else that makes them exclusively female.

4.  I can get hurt.  Just remember...when you are commenting with things about jealousy towards what I may look like in my picture...realize it isn't real.  Even though my whatevers look a certain way...yours are real.  And I would kill to have them.

~Madi~

Everybody Has Problems!

I'm prefacing this post with this:  everybody has problems.

That being said, it is difficult at times not to focus on mine.  I truly am not as unhappy as I sometimes come off...I have met some amazing people in my life and have experience the thrills that your average girl does not get to experience.  I have also had the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many people that I am overjoyed for others' successes.

Here is my problem on my mind right now:  I am not straight enough for girls...and not gay enough for guys.  I am your classic tweener.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to date me.  That person can be quite difficult to find.

I'm also going to put a positive out there:  I love acting.  One of the reasons why I don't COMPLETELY hate my life is that I get to act.  It shows up all the time in my life.  As a coach, I get to be an inspirational person who helps drives students towards their goals.  A lot of acting goes into coaching.  You have to be the person who can relate to kids.  I, through my 25 years of acting as something I am not, have been able to turn on the character necessary to achieve this.  Kids are thanking me for this lately...and it means a lot.

~Madi~

I Still Cry

So when life gets really busy, it offers me a distraction away from all of this.  The distraction can be very welcome at times, and very tough to deal with at times.  I live a life full or roller coasters.  I have ups and I have downs.  Sometimes I spin in loops and every now and then I crash and burn.

The common theme in all of this is even when I am up for a very long time, I still crash and fall.  During that time, I usually live a night of uncontrollable crying which results in me going for a late night run.  I am so sad all the time.  Sometimes I am just able to push it all away and exist numb.

I know you all feel as if I have never actually been "me" around you.  I have a very tough time dealing with all of this and I tend to act as what I look like.  I'm shallow and small.  I'm very sorry for that!

~Madi~

PS.  This blog is over 2000 page views.  Thank you for all of your support! :)

So, and update!

Hey!

So I have been pretty absent lately again and I must say...my life is very very crazy!

In living my double life, I am starting to learn that it is really tough for me to act like a guy around my guy friends!!  Some of you who have seen me can attest to this...I just get super girly sometimes around them and things get weird.

The other thing that is happening is I get super jealous when I see girls taking "girls pics" or doing things together when in a large group of people.  I really wish I was a part of that!

Finally, I decided I wish I had a sister.  I feel like that would really help me and my family understand all of this!

~Madi~

An Open Letter to God

I have been noticeably absent these last two weeks.  I need to let you all know a few things about what has been going on.  I'm going to do this by writing a letter to God.

Dear God,

I must ask, why?

The world we live in is inundated with pain.  I work at a school that is torn in shambles.  I live a life that tears me apart with every moment and leaves me bitter late at night and sad every morning.  Yet still I work hard to keep going.

A week and a half ago, a 16 year old girl that I work with everyday was diagnosed with cancer.  I have cried a river of tears for this student.  She is an amazing person from an amazing family.  Why does cancer have to exist?  Why does it have to be her?

Then, I had an idea.  Maybe you pick the strongest people to fight the toughest battles.  If that is the case then you couldn't have picked a stronger person.  Still, it seems a bit sick that she was chosen for this life.  It seems equally as sick that all of us have to watch as she fights to live every day.

I understand why people think you don't exist.  Take my life for example.  I live each and every day torn between genders.  I fully understand that I am female, yet I life as a male.  I have reacted in terrible ways.  I have done drugs.  I have caused harm to myself.  I have torn relationships I have with people to the ground.

Does it really seem like we are all fighting a fair fight?

I respect that you think I am strong.  I respect that you think the girl I work with is strong.  That being said, I will fight every waking moment to make sure she is ok.  If it means I have to trade starting my life as a female just so that I can invest every ounce of my energy into her battle then I will.  No 16 year old kid deserves this.  It isn't fair.  Even if it is just a test.

I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am sad.  I am confused.

Yet in the end, I am strong.  Our community is strong.  The community we live in will win.  The girl I am rooting for will pass this test.  We will all move on.

Maybe some day this will all make sense.  That day is not today.  I really hope it is tomorrow.

~Madi~

A Life Update

Hey Everyone,

Lately I have been unbelievably busy!  It has become tougher and tougher to have some Madi time.  As a result, I feel like a lot of my progress made is lost.  I also worry that I haven't kept in touch with all of you well enough.  I hope you all aren't offended!!

I have thought a lot lately about the impact I make on high school kids.  As a teacher and coach, I directly impact the lives of so many people.  I have been extremely successful as a coach and have made life changing differences in the lives of some troubled kids.

The problem with this all is that I might lose all of this when I transition.  I don't want to just hide and be Madi privately.  I want Madi to be a difference maker in the lives of people she comes in contact with.

I hope I can find my path!

~Madi~

My Obsession and Literature

So some of you may know that I read about 50-60 books each year.  I have a wide array of interests in literature and I try to read as often as I can.  What you may not know about my love in literature is how much I love vampire fiction.  I realize that vampire fiction is almost "too girly" and overplayed.  I need you to understand why it means so much to me and why I think I will always love it.

In every vampire novel there is either a transition, a wish to have a transition, or a story told after a transition took place.  This transition is so much like what I will go through.  In Twilight, for instance, Bella really wants to become a vampire even knowing it will ruin all of her relationships with the humans she currently knows.  This tough decision will not be without pain.

Sound like anyone you know?  Take out vampire and replace it with girl and you have me.

Vampire fiction describes me to the very core.  I won't suck your blood...

That being said, I have even gone further into vampire fiction.  I have shared with some of you the book I have started to write.  The book is taking me forever.  I have six chapters currently written and it is still in a rough draft stage.  Nonetheless, it is a story of love and vampires that places the transition of someone into something else at the very core of the novel.  What will the main characters keep of their former selves to bring into this new life?

Let me know if you want to read it so far :)

~Madi~

The Darkness

I apologize in advance for this depressing post...I feel like I have been down in the dumps lately.  I realize happy people are fun people to be around...I just can't force the happiness out of myself sometimes.

I refer to this sadness that builds inside me as the darkness.  It's almost as if it seeps in through my veins and slowly grabs hold of each tendril of my soul until it has taken over.  I try to kick it out.  Most of the time I find it impossible to beat.

This darkness grabs me often when I'm transitioning from a high in my male life.  When I am coming down from that high, this darkness blindsides me and tears me down.  I want it to stop.  I just don't know how.

My darkness reminds me a lot of a Green Day lyric.  It is amazing how much your mind can play tricks on you and make you think no one cares when they actually do.  The human mind can be amazing and beautiful at times.  It can also spin your thoughts into paranoia and make the worst enemy in your life actually you.  The following is the lyric:

"No body likes you
everyone left you
they're all out without you
having fun"

I need this to change.  The problem is that I simply cannot afford to become Madi right now.  I am massively in debt from college and just feel like I am scraping by as is.

~Madi~

A Fun Post

I decided to make a list of some of the most girly things about me, and not girly things about me.  This is what I came up with.  Try not to get offended...some of these are stereotypical!

Girly
1.  I wear girl clothes.  As do girls.  That's pretty girly!
2.  I secretly love "chick flicks" and romance novels.
3.  I love the color pink.
4.  I kind of have a badonkadonk behind.
5.  I flirt with guys.  I love when they flirt with me first.
6.  I say the word cute a lot.
7.  My hips might be child bearing.
8.  I landmark directions.
9.  I sit like a girl (legs crossed, legs wrapped against my chest...ect.)
10.  I think and react to situations like a girl.

Non-Girly
1.  I am kind a freak athlete.  That's not to say that girls aren't...it's just not many girls throw 80 mph overhand, have a 180 average in bowling, drive a golf ball 300 yards and played high school football.
2.  I have this dumb thing called a...well you know.  It's "down there."
3.  I'm hairy as the dickens.
4.  I'm super aggressive and competitive in EVERYTHING.
5.  I constantly watch sports in my free time.
6.  I know the infield fly rule.
7.  I have a receding hair line.
8.  I have cankles.
9.  I'm a pretty big gamer...more girls are becoming gamers too...
10.  My students call me Mr.

Looking at this list...my non-girly things are more gender neutral.  I'm SO a girl.

~Madi~

Girl.

Ok.  I have been getting a lot of questions lately about what I like to be called/considered.  A couple things about the way my mind works...

I'm not an it.  I am completely a girl and LOVE being called girl, chica, princess (be honest...you like it too) or any other word.  She is great.  Her is awesome as well.

When talking to me, I love being referred to as Madi.  A few of you have even put me in your phones as Madi and that makes me feel so happy!  I wouldn't mind Madison, Madelyne, Madz, or any other form of the name either!  Just don't call me son...I have been one of those for way too long and it is dumb.

If I seem quiet and I am not talking much, just realize that I might be in my other character...the boy one that is stupid :)  I really love talking to all of you and it has been so great the last few weeks!!!

So there.  I hope that helps!  In my mind I am a girl...and would love for you all to view me that way if you can!!! :)

~Madi~

A Crazy Week

This has truly been a crazy week.  As I sit at my computer looking back at all that has happened, I am touched by the support I am getting from all of you.  It means so much to be cared about.  A lot of you have expressed that you can't truly understand what I am going through.  I completely am OK with that!!  Just the fact that you are willing to listen and be a part of this means the world.

I am one friend away from 40!  That is kind of amazing considering that I wasn't even at 30 when 2013 started.  I am trying to find all the people I have told in the past.  It is an exhilarating experience opening up to people!  It is extremely scary as well.

The girl part of my post this week:  I realized this week I have never been called princess.  I didn't grow up the way most of you did.  That is tough to handle sometimes.  As I have been watching movies and reading books, I have started to realize that I identify with the main female characters.  It is something I never thought of before.

As I move into the next chapters of my life, it is exciting to know that I am going forward.  It is scary to think that I have come so far in 4 months.  My life was stagnant since about junior year in high school when I started telling people.   I still have a long way to go.

I hope you will be there with me!! :)

~Madi~

A Quick Update

Hey Everyone!

I have some updates for people.  Some of them may be surprising while others you may have already noticed.

First and foremost, I have started to wear girl's clothing a lot more often.  It's been an exciting and frustrating experience.  The exciting part is that I actually fill out girl's pants pretty well!  It has been frustrating because I don't know how to order clothes online to my place without my roommates finding out.  I am not ready for my roommate to know about me yet.  If he saw Forever 21 on a package sent here I am pretty sure questions would start flying!

I have also started to tell a lot more people!  These people are allowing me to network more and reach out and find other girls out there like me.  I am so thankful for these new friends!  It has been a roller coaster ride but it finally feels like I am making some progress!!

To all the girls that knew already:  thank you so much for all the support you give!  We have talked a lot in the past week and I have been so much happier as a result.

That being said, if anyone has a solution to my clothes mailing issue, let me know!  I have some really cute clothes I want to get but I can't quite find out how to get here...

Thanks everyone!  You are all so amazing!!

~Madi~

But you like Sports!

So some of the following are issues that I have had in my identity.  Others are questions I have gotten from girls when I come out to them.

1.  But you like sports so much!

Initially, I struggled with this too.  Then I remembered:  girls play sports too!  In high school, I totally would have been that girl that played basketball, softball and tennis.  I would have loved every minute of it.  There are plenty of other girls like that.

2.  You don't seem very girly in person.

It is all an act.  I have been forced to live my life as an act.  I have become very adept at acting as a male.  It is pretty easy to do.  Act cocky.  Spread your legs.  Walk tough.

3.  You have dated girls!

So have some of my friends.  I have also "dated" guys...or more...I've done stuff with guys.  Who you like has nothing to do with what gender you are!

4.  You have a very bulky physique.

This is what I have struggled with the most.  Call me superficial...but like most girls I have a strong desire to be cute.  Right now, I am learning that girls' clothes fit me pretty well on the bottom.  It's tops that don't fit all that well.  When on hormones, your muscles actually shrink and your body becomes more curvy.  I am hoping that that takes care of some of the additional bulk I have.

Thanks to everyone out there supporting me!  I love talking about this, so keep asking questions!

~Madi~

Wow

Wow.  It has been way too long...

To start off this post, I am going to tell you about a couple of updates I have for everyone.

First and foremost, I ordered my first set of girls clothes.  I really am trying to think of myself as only female and am trying to make sure I use more of my female social media.  I really have started to hate who my physical self is.  It has been quite a struggle.

this weekend has been particularly hard.  As I see everyone getting back together with their friends and family, I look back on all the progress I have made as a girl and I think that I am really wasting a lot of that away because I revert back to my boy self instead of my girl self.  I wonder what my future is as a girl...

It has started to make me think that in order for me to truly embrace my femininity...I am going to have to turn my back on a lot of my current friends and family.  I don't know how that will work in the long run...

I have to be who I am.  And who I am is Madison.

I love all my friends who have supported me.

~Madi~

I'm Scared

This post isn't going to be easy to write.  I understand that my general mood has been rather depressed lately, and I am sorry for that.  Just understand that these things hit me very inconsistently.  Lately, I have felt like the roller coaster has led me underground.  It's dark down here.  And I am very scared.

I am going to start with a confession.  My junior year in high school was really tough.  I was losing a lot of my best friends to college and the whole transgendered thing really captured my identity.  I started coming out to select people and it made everything more real.  As a result, I became scared.  This terrible feeling led to my first stint with heroin use.  I don't tell people about this often.  But I would shoot up about two times a month during my junior year.

Some serious crap occurred early in my senior year and I stopped.  I realized how wrong heroin use was so I gave it up.  I went to college my freshman year and it started again.  I knew I had to transfer closer to my friends, so I did.  I have been clean from the stuff for 7 years now.  I am extremely proud of this accomplishment.

But the urge doesn't always go away.  When I get really down on myself I notice myself looking at my veins and thinking about the amazing high I used to feel.  It calmed me.  The warmth that ran through my body when I used was a feeling that got my brain off of thinking about my pain.

I don't want to go back.  Last night I thought about it again and I said no way.  But I need something good in my life.  I don't even want to think about heroin anymore.

The other thing I am scared of is that I am 25 years old.  I have lost so many moments of what should be my female life.  I am deep in debt and am not in the current position to move forward with my transition.  I am stuck.  And I just feel like I am going further and further underground.

So yeah.  Sorry for this depressing post...