I apologize in advance for this depressing post...I feel like I have been down in the dumps lately. I realize happy people are fun people to be around...I just can't force the happiness out of myself sometimes.
I refer to this sadness that builds inside me as the darkness. It's almost as if it seeps in through my veins and slowly grabs hold of each tendril of my soul until it has taken over. I try to kick it out. Most of the time I find it impossible to beat.
This darkness grabs me often when I'm transitioning from a high in my male life. When I am coming down from that high, this darkness blindsides me and tears me down. I want it to stop. I just don't know how.
My darkness reminds me a lot of a Green Day lyric. It is amazing how much your mind can play tricks on you and make you think no one cares when they actually do. The human mind can be amazing and beautiful at times. It can also spin your thoughts into paranoia and make the worst enemy in your life actually you. The following is the lyric:
"No body likes you
everyone left you
they're all out without you
having fun"
I need this to change. The problem is that I simply cannot afford to become Madi right now. I am massively in debt from college and just feel like I am scraping by as is.
~Madi~
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