So as my first picture nears...

So as my first picture nears, I have started to learn a few things about my life.

1.  It feels like I am mixing and matching parts.  The boobs could be bigger...or maybe you should do this...or that.  It isn't a bad thing...but most girls don't get to choose how large this is or how small this other part is...and it is kind of an odd feeling.

2.  I am extremely self conscious.  My male persona always comes off as super confident...my girl persona is not confident at all.  In fact she is lost a lot of the time and just wants everyone to love her.

3.  I get jealous.  I am so jealous of all the tremendous "racks" my friends have!  I am even more jealous of everything else that makes them exclusively female.

4.  I can get hurt.  Just remember...when you are commenting with things about jealousy towards what I may look like in my picture...realize it isn't real.  Even though my whatevers look a certain way...yours are real.  And I would kill to have them.

~Madi~

Everybody Has Problems!

I'm prefacing this post with this:  everybody has problems.

That being said, it is difficult at times not to focus on mine.  I truly am not as unhappy as I sometimes come off...I have met some amazing people in my life and have experience the thrills that your average girl does not get to experience.  I have also had the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many people that I am overjoyed for others' successes.

Here is my problem on my mind right now:  I am not straight enough for girls...and not gay enough for guys.  I am your classic tweener.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to date me.  That person can be quite difficult to find.

I'm also going to put a positive out there:  I love acting.  One of the reasons why I don't COMPLETELY hate my life is that I get to act.  It shows up all the time in my life.  As a coach, I get to be an inspirational person who helps drives students towards their goals.  A lot of acting goes into coaching.  You have to be the person who can relate to kids.  I, through my 25 years of acting as something I am not, have been able to turn on the character necessary to achieve this.  Kids are thanking me for this lately...and it means a lot.

~Madi~

I Still Cry

So when life gets really busy, it offers me a distraction away from all of this.  The distraction can be very welcome at times, and very tough to deal with at times.  I live a life full or roller coasters.  I have ups and I have downs.  Sometimes I spin in loops and every now and then I crash and burn.

The common theme in all of this is even when I am up for a very long time, I still crash and fall.  During that time, I usually live a night of uncontrollable crying which results in me going for a late night run.  I am so sad all the time.  Sometimes I am just able to push it all away and exist numb.

I know you all feel as if I have never actually been "me" around you.  I have a very tough time dealing with all of this and I tend to act as what I look like.  I'm shallow and small.  I'm very sorry for that!

~Madi~

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