An Open Letter to God

I have been noticeably absent these last two weeks.  I need to let you all know a few things about what has been going on.  I'm going to do this by writing a letter to God.

Dear God,

I must ask, why?

The world we live in is inundated with pain.  I work at a school that is torn in shambles.  I live a life that tears me apart with every moment and leaves me bitter late at night and sad every morning.  Yet still I work hard to keep going.

A week and a half ago, a 16 year old girl that I work with everyday was diagnosed with cancer.  I have cried a river of tears for this student.  She is an amazing person from an amazing family.  Why does cancer have to exist?  Why does it have to be her?

Then, I had an idea.  Maybe you pick the strongest people to fight the toughest battles.  If that is the case then you couldn't have picked a stronger person.  Still, it seems a bit sick that she was chosen for this life.  It seems equally as sick that all of us have to watch as she fights to live every day.

I understand why people think you don't exist.  Take my life for example.  I live each and every day torn between genders.  I fully understand that I am female, yet I life as a male.  I have reacted in terrible ways.  I have done drugs.  I have caused harm to myself.  I have torn relationships I have with people to the ground.

Does it really seem like we are all fighting a fair fight?

I respect that you think I am strong.  I respect that you think the girl I work with is strong.  That being said, I will fight every waking moment to make sure she is ok.  If it means I have to trade starting my life as a female just so that I can invest every ounce of my energy into her battle then I will.  No 16 year old kid deserves this.  It isn't fair.  Even if it is just a test.

I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am sad.  I am confused.

Yet in the end, I am strong.  Our community is strong.  The community we live in will win.  The girl I am rooting for will pass this test.  We will all move on.

Maybe some day this will all make sense.  That day is not today.  I really hope it is tomorrow.

~Madi~