My Disappearance

So...it has been a really really long time since I have posted here.  I just wanted to let people know some things...

For starters, I tried my hardest to see if this was part of my life I could live without.  What I learned in the past few months is that no matter how hard I try to ignore "my inner Madison," it doesn't matter.  I am a girl, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Also, I took a lot of time to care about me.  In 60 days, I lost 31 pounds by eating correctly and working out.  I now kind of look normal in female clothing and that is inspiring in ways you cannot imagine.

I promise to never disappear for as long as I did.  To all of the people who know me for what I am, thank you!  You are wonderful and truly have made this existence a lot easier to live with!

~Madi~

Best Couple Hours of My Life

So last night I went to bed, just like most other nights.  I watched a couple youtube videos of other girls' transitions, and was amazed at the results as always!  I went to bed around 2 am, and woke up at 9.

In between, some amazing things happened!  I was having a dream of what my life might be like sometime.  While I truly am female in real life, I live life as a male.  I think as a result,  rarely dream that I am female because it doesn't seem real yet.  Well this night it was very real, and it was quite the treat!

The dream started with me on a date.  I  had shoulder length straight brown hair and I was wearing a really cute black strapless dress.  I was a little wider than I wanted to be.  Not fat, just a little bulky.  My boobs were probably like a 36 C...

Anyway!  We were at a really fancy restaurant and things were going really well.  I was drinking wine and having a lot of laughs.  Towards the end up the date, he proposed to me.  That he happened to be Joseph Morgan who plays Klaus in Vampire Diaries is besides the point :)   I of course said yes and then the real action started.

We went back to his place and "got it on."  The most amazing thing was that I had all the right body parts, and it was an amazing experience.  I could almost feel it in real life.  I woke up and legitimately had to check to see if I still had all the "wrong parts" in "real life."

It really gave me some moments of bliss.  Ladies out there...I am officially jealous of all of you who get to do it in real life!

~Madi~

A Sad Day

Today is kind of a sad day.

As someone who was born male, actually is female, likes both genders and has an extremely public job, I find myself wearing a lot of hats (some must cuter than others :)).  The problem is, for today at least, a lot of those hats got taken off of me.

Living in Wisconsin, the election for Governor has become a hot topic.  Today is the end of the election, and it appears that Scott Walker is going to win.  As someone who does my job, I find this appalling.  As a member of the LGTBQ community, I find this appalling.  Finally, as a woman, I find this appalling.  This many has stripped so many people of rights.  He has taken the power from the many and given it to the few richer people in charge and run with it.

It is really frustrating for me to live in this state right now, especially going through many of the issues I have to deal with day in and day out.

Shame on you Wisconsin, shame on you.

~Madi~

I Forgot I'm In Love...

I must admit that this post is going to be a bit more emotional than my previous ones...

So tonight I went out to a bar with one of my friends I haven't seen in a while.  I must confess, I have always had a little bit of a crush on him.  He has the sweetest blue eyes and dresses so trendy it is sooo cute.  Anyways...I may have forgotten tonight how much I have a crush on him...

It all started when I was at home.  I found out we were going to go to a bar tonight, and I was instantly giddy.  He moved out of state so I haven't seen him in a few months.  Well, around the time he was supposed to show up at my place, I noticed that I was looking at the clock every few minutes waiting for him to show up.  It wasn't just the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while.

Anyway, he showed up and we went out.  I found myself on numerous occasions starting into his deep deep eyes.  He is sooo cute.  It was really hard on me seeing all these girls hitting on guys and me just stuck being friends and not being able to say anything.  We have so many things in common that it'd be so good if we could just be together...

Everything just seemed so out of reach tonight...

Maybe someday I'll be able to touch the stars.

~Madi~

Clothes

Hello Everyone,

This is going to be a really girly post.  I have decided that I need to get some more clothes.  As of right now, I have a ton of stuff in the underwear department.  I would like to start getting into outerwear. 

My goal is to eventually own a dress, a skirt, a nice blouse, and perhaps a wide variety of other stuff that I find cute.  I am a little afraid to obviously buy this stuff by myself.  Do I start ordering online?  I am going to be an awkward size because of my extra equipment in some places and lack of equipment in others. 

Thoughts???

~Madi~

A Night of Bravery

Hey Everyone...

So tonight I had a moment of bravery.  It all started when I had to pay rent.  My building's rent office is a block or two down the road from where I live.  It was dark out and there were a few streetlights to pass along the way.  I decided that tonight was the night I braved it out there.  I kept my girl clothes on and walked outside.

Now, it was the first time I have ever done this.  I had on a few items that were extremely female, and a few that hid some stuff.  My sweatpants were girls' basketball sweatpants.  My top had a nice padded bra (b cups), a cami and a sweatshirt.  The sweatshirt helped hide a little bit of the boobage  I had going on...but not all :).  I of course had panties on underneath my sweatpants as well!

It was a truly terrifying and exciting experience.  One guy was outside about 100 feet away smoking a cigarette.  It took every urge I had not to cross my arms over my chest to hide the boobs.  Still, I stayed the course and walked all the way there and back.  For those of you who know me, this was a huge step.

I came home, put short shorts on and took the sweatshirt off.  So here I sit, for my empty apartment to see, the clearest picture I have of Madi yet.

~Madi~

My Book

A while back, I started writing a book.  It was, and yes this is totally girly, a vampire romance novel.  The novel    followed the life of a girl from Wisconsin who as in love with a star basketball player.  When writing the novel, I decided that I was going to write a story from both perspectives.

Writing from the female perspective was thrilling for me.  I never really felt so alive as Madi except in that moment.

For some reason, I stopped writing the novel.  It has been a year and 2 months since I have revisited it.  I think it is about the time I do it.

I am holding you all accountable for making sure I do it :)

-Madi-

The Past Few Nights

So the past few nights I have really "girled out."  I have found that I am getting more and more comfortable wearing girl clothes.  I particularly enjoy sleeping in them.  It is nice to have a time with some privacy where I can be myself.

The really amazing thing about this entire experience is what has happened while sleeping.  I have had dreams the past few nights where I am actually a girl.  I am not just me with girl parts.  I actually look like a girl.  It has been really exciting to have a few hours of bliss where I get to be me.

It is also nice to wake up in girl clothes.  I end my day and start my day in the correct attire!! :)

Just wanted to let you all know...probably a little too much information...sorry...

Madi

Over 300 Page Views!!!

Hey everyone!

My page has over 300 page views!!! That is AMAZING!  Thank you all for checking this so often and being a part of my life.  I am truly thankful for all of you :)

Madi

Down in the Dumps Today

Sorry for another sad post, but I'm really down in the dumps today.  I feel really sick and I didn't sleep well last night.  It's nights like these that really wreak havoc on me.

I really wish things were different in my life.  I need a planning committee on how to get things going the right direction!

A Night Alone

Sometimes, it is just nice having a night alone.

I was gone all weekend with my guy friends.  It is always amazing to me how stressful that whole setup can be. When I get home and have a chance to be alone, I truly relish the opportunity.

Tonight, for instance, I chose to sit in my room and play some dress up.  While I do not have enough for an entire outfit nor do I have makeup, I still at least have some of the undergarments and what not.  It is just fun for me to be able to kind of be a girl for once :)

I want you all to imagine waking up every day and hating what you see when you look down.  You don't hate it because it isn't "pretty" to you.  You don't hate it because your friend's "looks better" to you.  You hate it because you are stuck in someone else's body.  I swear, every time I look at myself I feel like I am looking at some stranger.  In fact, if I were to go streaking, I would probably feel no remorse or embarrassment because in my mind, it's not like I'm showing my own body.

It's a strange strange life!  Maybe someday I'll actually have the "B" cups I am sporting right now :)

Something Positive

So I have been really negative in this blog, and I want to make sure that people know something good about my situation.  Here is what I came up with...

People like me tend to live double lives.   One thing that often happens with us is that we have to develop two ways of thinking.  What people have learned through research is that boys and girls do thing very differently.  In fact, they use different parts of their brains to make decisions.  Well, that being said, transgendered people often develop thinking both ways.  This often leads to people like me having a high IQ and a great memory.

I am truly thankful for this ability.  It helped me get through school very easily and really made my academic life a lot easier.  While it created a lot of confusion in my brain and some uncomfortable social situations, I truly was blessed in the classroom.  Anyone who knows me will probably say that I have the best memory of anyone they have met.

Just wanted to leave you with something positive.  If anyone else knows of something positive with my situation, please share :)

And suddenly, you get hit by a truck.

So I was sitting in my room today. I was enjoying myself and having a nice lazy Sunday.  While reading my book, I started thinking about my life.

And that's when my "thought' truck hit me dead on.

It is amazing how much my mood can change on the dime.  Everything is fine and I am not even thinking about how unfair things are, and then BOOM.  Hit by a truck.

A really big truck.

I don't want to get hit by trucks anymore.

Another Weekend Excursion

I went out with a few guy friends again this week and realized that all they wanted to do was find some ladies to hook up with.  During my time with them, I started to realize how little they actually knew about women.  I started chuckling at their lack of "game" and understanding.  It was truly hilarious to me.

As they were talking about a few girls at a distance, I started breaking down what I was seeing and what was going on in the girls' minds.  Turns out that we all got drunk and decided to quiz them on how correct I was.  See, my friends didn't believe me so they had to find out if I was making stuff up or correct.

We pulled one girl aside and I told her my prediction.  I told her this:

"You started to pull away from the two guys you were with because they were both flirting with you too much and competing.  You never really had interest in them anyway.  Instead, you like them as friends and just wanted to have fun tonight.  You started looking around for some of your girl friends because they were kind of far away and you needed to get away.  Then one girl came over.  Sadly, judging by your overreaction, your least favorite of the entire group came over but you acted anyway out of joy that a girl was there.  In actuality, you just got out of a serious relationship and you aren't ready to start anything.  It wasn't your idea to come out tonight...your friends forced you to."

She then slapped me in the face.  She told me I was "too right" and that I must have talked to her ex.

I understand the female mind WAY better than the male. :)

A Strategy

Hello Everyone!

So I have been thinking about this a lot now.  How can I possibly do this transition financially?  I am sitting here with student loans of about $300 a month, rent and utilities of about $550 on top of food and what not of about $100-200 a month.  How can I afford everything for the transition with these expenses?

I really need some help on this.  Financial barriers are the number 1 reason as to why I have not already started.  I would prefer not being homeless in my transition.

Any ideas, please shoot them out there!  I need some help.

Madi

As I Lay Awake

As I was sitting around tonight, I started to think of something that comes up often in my thoughts.  I start to think of the happiness I could achieve through the transition.  That being said, happiness is not the only emotion I would experience.

I want you all to think about your life.  If you are female, think of all the milestones you went through in growing up.  Hanging out with your friends at sleepovers and talking about boys as teenagers, getting boobs at the same time as your friends, your first period (which even though you think it sucks, would you consider yourself a full woman without it?), your first Homecoming/Prom dress, your first boyfriend, among other experiences.

It's these experience I have to realize that I missed out upon.  It is painful and truly disheartening for me to know that I missed them.

For all of the ladies out there comfortable in your skin, realize how lucky and beautiful you are to just be you.  Regardless of what anyone says, you are what you are.  There are people out there who are truly jealous of what you have.

Thanks for reading...sorry for the sad topic :(

The Answer to: Why?

I have had a lot of people ask me lately why I haven't gone through with my transition.  And honestly, it is a really tough thing for me to answer.  First off, I am not proud of where I am currently at.  I will save a lot of those reasons for a later post.  So here is my best explanation as to why.

For starters, I am in debt.  I went to college immediately after high school and racked up 30,000+ in student loans.  On top of that, I went into a field that is not very high paying.  This lack of money makes for a very difficult transition.  Secondly, I am in an extremely public field.  It would be a very "big deal" to all if I went through my transition in my job.  And finally, I am afraid of telling my family.  I would feel that I am disappointing them...that is really hard on me.

I want you all to imagine my situation.  I am already living on a tight budget, yet I am not who I truly want to be.  What do I do?  I have countless nights where I am on the verge of tears over all of this.  I simply cannot afford it.  How do I pay off student loans?  How do I pay rent for a place?  Where do I work so that I can be making some money, yet still go through a transition while holding that job?

It is a stressful life...I hope this really helps you understand another tough facet of it.

Thank you everyone for being there for me :)

A Night of Awkwardness

So last night I went out with a bunch of my high school friends.  Now, this should be a normal experience for anyone.  The problem is, I feel so unbelievably awkward in "hookup situations."  As we are out and everyone is mingling with people they find intriguing, I found myself withdrawing to a corner and kind of staying away.  How am I supposed to pursue who I find interesting when I look completely different than I feel?

A little about what eventually happened.  As we were all discussing a potential "hookup" for a friend, I started talking to a friend of mine who knows all of this about me.  It was about the only time I found myself actively engaging in conversations with people the whole night.  It is amazing to me that, in 24 years of life in a male body, that the only time I felt comfortable all night was either when I was on my own watching or when I was talking with a trust friend.

I don't wish this life on anyone.  It is truly a journey of experiences that are consistently awkward.  The sadness that usually takes over when you are alone doesn't help either.

At least I have all of you who support me!  Maybe someday soon all of this will be in the past :)

An Introduction to Madi

Hello everyone!  My name is Madison Nicole, and, despite what anyone and anything may say, I am a girl.  I was born a boy in Wisconsin, and am not living as a boy in Wisconsin.  That will hopefully soon change...

In this Blog, I am going to take you through my life experiences to tell the story of a life of Hell, sadness, and perspective.

So saddle up, because it is going to hopefully be a fun ride!