Life Update--Just Say Hi!!! :)

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to provide a brief update...well maybe brief is an understatement :)

For starters, I've been smacked in the face with the feels lately.  One thing I have learned in life is that all of this is so easy to avoid when I dive into my job and work 80 hours a week.  Less time to myself means less time to let my thoughts eat away at me.  Now that coaching is done and I have so much more time, my brain has been going crazy with thoughts and it is exhausting.

Secondly, as a result of all this extra time, expect to see my posting on Facebook and other outlets a lot more.  I know it is weird that I come and go for months at a time...it is part of the reason why I don't keep consistent female relationships...all I ask is that every now and then you like a status or make me feel like I still exist.  I have learned that people tend to avoid me because they don't know what to say...and I will tell you that there are no magic words.  I'm just looking for human connection, not solutions :)

Thirdly, I recently watched "I Am Jazz," which airs on TLC.  It was so amazing.  If anyone is trying to understand the struggles someone goes through, watch this teenage girl as she bravely goes through transitioning in middle and high school.  It is remarkable.  Her support system, particularly her family, is unbelievable.  If we had more people like her family in the world, this would be an amazing place.

Finally, the more and more I think about it the more I realize that I will never be a true girl.  That kills me.  It eats me up inside.  I've resigned to the fact that I will always be the "transgender" person, not the girl assigned from birth.  I think that is why the Tupac poem about being a rose that grew from the concrete has resonated so deeply with me.  I'm posting it below.  He also speaks of his damaged petals...quite frankly that is what I feel like most of the time.  I've actually debated getting some of the poem as a tattoo...

I miss all of you so much.  I realize it is my fault often for the distance that comes between us.  I'm deeply sorry for that...but it is the only way I can live with the constant torment all of this causes in my mind.

"Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared."

"we wouldn't ask why a rose that grew from the concrete for having damaged petals, in turn, we would all celebrate its tenacity, we would all love its will to reach the sun, well, we are the roses, this is the concrete and these are my damaged petals, dont ask me why, thank god, and ask me how"

~Madi~

A Vivid Dream

Last night I had a dream.  This doesn't seem like an experience any different than what most people have.  Nonetheless, this one was indeed different.  And I need to share it.

The dream started with a 16 year old me in high school.  Many characters from my life were there with me.  In a lot of ways, it felt as if it was my high school experience.  It felt awkward.

Partially through my dream, I made a change.  I committed to my female self and started going through the physical changes of becoming a female.  My friends were accepting.  The school was accepting.  The experience, as a whole, was amazing.

The main focus of my female experience focused on graduation.  I was getting dressed up and prepared for the ceremony with a really good friend (and someone who is on my friends list for this account :)).  It felt as if we were just two girls enjoying our promotion to the real world.  It was amazing.  When we walked out for graduation, there wasn't whispering and pointing at the "girl who used to be a guy."  I was just a person.  

It started to make me wonder a few things.  First, how unrealistic is this concept?  I think fairly.  Some kids would be accepting but not all.  Second, would my friends have been so amazing?  I believe they would have been.  Finally, why do so many of my fantasies revolve around high school?  I think this is because so much of who a woman starts to be happens in high school.  You don't always end up the same person, but you sure do turn into the first form of yourself.  I feel I missed that.  And I really wish I could go back.

~Madi~

A Dream

It's rather amazing how a dream can have such an impact on a life.

This all happened last night.  My dream led me to high school again and as I looked down, I had on a cute skirt and blouse combination.  I am not sure if I was in drag or if I was actually a girl, but I was at school and living female.

I got to experience a full day as a female.  It was amazing.  I had friends that were female that treated me as such.  Guys playfully talked to me and it felt great.  Then I woke up.

I woke up and the feelings of being beautiful and female put me in a great mood.  I loved the morning and took charge of my afternoon.  Then night hit...

I am not longing for that feeling again.  It seems that whenever I have a high I cannot help but experience a low so low that I just want to sit and give up.  Sometimes I think being transgendered is like being addicted to a drug.  You become so attached to the highs you sometimes feel and then cannot manage the lows.  You then act out and try to do something that makes you feel that high again.  It can be a healthy thing (like going out in female attire for the first time) or it can be a terrible thing (like drug use or self punishment).

This life is rough.  I know what people are going to say.  I am going to be told to act on it.  I am going to be told I am beautiful the way I am.  That is all good and great.  The issue is I am not at the point in my life where my roadblocks are pushed out of the way yet.  I don't pity anyone who has to go through this life.  I wish I was ready and financially able to be who I actually am.

~Madi~ :(

I'm Back!!

Hello,

It has been way too long.  I have missed you all a lot as you all probably realized...I have been quite absent as of late.  I truly am living a double life and am a bit like a method actress...I don't like to break my male character for fear that I will not be able to pull off being a guy anymore.

That being said, I am still a girl.  Here are a couple of updates:

1.  I started dressing the part again!  I am super jealous of all the summer dresses that I am seeing!!!
2.  I have been seeing a guy for a few months.  He's cute...and I guess we will find out more in the near future.
3.  I miss coming out to people and there may be more friends in the near future!

That being said, I miss being asked questions by people.  If you ever want to know anything about me feel free to ask.

I am super happy to be back!

~Madi~

Friends...an Analysis.

So I have been thinking for a while about my friends.  A few of my friends know all about me, while others have no idea.

That is beside the point.  I really have only been comfortable in my life coming out to girls and guys who are gay.  When I think about the girls I came out to in high school, I often wonder what they truly thought.  I was never able to really show them who I was in person; I have always lived a double life.

It really makes me wonder though, who would my friends have been in high school?  If I were truly a girl, who would I have hung out with?  Who would I have dated?  What would my life actually have been like?  And of course...what would I have worn to prom?

This even extends to college.  I roomed with a guy, which for someone like me is a lot more stressful than it looks.  I hung out with girls and slowly came out to the girls on my floor.  But still...I never showed anyone who I really was.

Maybe it is a dumb thing to want to know what life would have been like.  I just look at where my life currently is and realize that I have been giving all of my friends half of who I am.  This halving of friends has caused me to only halfway get to know the people I love.

I wish I had a group of people I could say I gave it all to...I wish.

~Madi~

Athletics

So I recently coached a girls' sport for the first time.  I didn't know what to expect going into the experience and I was a bit nervous.

It turned out to be an amazing experience.  One of the things I observed was how much the girls got along and became a family.  I was a bit jealous looking back on my playing days with guys who just acted tough and picked on each other.  I learned so much during this experience and it made me realize I wish I would have been a female athlete in high school.

The other thing I learned in this experience is that it is OK for me to like sports.  As I coached these girls I started to hear them talk about the Packer game the weekend prior or the Brewers and what they were doing.

This may seem like a trivial post to all of you out there...but sports are viewed as an extremely masculine thing.  It was always an internal battle for me between my absolute love for sports and my understanding deep down that I am female.  I now feel completely content with watching the playoffs tonight and all out rooting for the Red Sox.

~Madi~

AAHHH I went for a crossdress run.

So...as you can tell from my title...I went for a run...in girls clothes!

For starters, let me set the scene.  It was Sunday night.  It was already dark and I run on a very rural trail.  It isn't very well lit and about 15 cars drove by the whole time.

But still.  I did it.  And if you know me, this is a huge step forward!

I wore girls shorts, a tight t, a sports bra with breasts.  The breasts were noticeable and if someone would have walked by I think they would have been very confused.  I am extremely proud of these results!!!

Just thought I'd share.

~Madi~