Life Update--Just Say Hi!!! :)

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to provide a brief update...well maybe brief is an understatement :)

For starters, I've been smacked in the face with the feels lately.  One thing I have learned in life is that all of this is so easy to avoid when I dive into my job and work 80 hours a week.  Less time to myself means less time to let my thoughts eat away at me.  Now that coaching is done and I have so much more time, my brain has been going crazy with thoughts and it is exhausting.

Secondly, as a result of all this extra time, expect to see my posting on Facebook and other outlets a lot more.  I know it is weird that I come and go for months at a time...it is part of the reason why I don't keep consistent female relationships...all I ask is that every now and then you like a status or make me feel like I still exist.  I have learned that people tend to avoid me because they don't know what to say...and I will tell you that there are no magic words.  I'm just looking for human connection, not solutions :)

Thirdly, I recently watched "I Am Jazz," which airs on TLC.  It was so amazing.  If anyone is trying to understand the struggles someone goes through, watch this teenage girl as she bravely goes through transitioning in middle and high school.  It is remarkable.  Her support system, particularly her family, is unbelievable.  If we had more people like her family in the world, this would be an amazing place.

Finally, the more and more I think about it the more I realize that I will never be a true girl.  That kills me.  It eats me up inside.  I've resigned to the fact that I will always be the "transgender" person, not the girl assigned from birth.  I think that is why the Tupac poem about being a rose that grew from the concrete has resonated so deeply with me.  I'm posting it below.  He also speaks of his damaged petals...quite frankly that is what I feel like most of the time.  I've actually debated getting some of the poem as a tattoo...

I miss all of you so much.  I realize it is my fault often for the distance that comes between us.  I'm deeply sorry for that...but it is the only way I can live with the constant torment all of this causes in my mind.

"Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared."

"we wouldn't ask why a rose that grew from the concrete for having damaged petals, in turn, we would all celebrate its tenacity, we would all love its will to reach the sun, well, we are the roses, this is the concrete and these are my damaged petals, dont ask me why, thank god, and ask me how"

~Madi~