The Darkness

I apologize in advance for this depressing post...I feel like I have been down in the dumps lately.  I realize happy people are fun people to be around...I just can't force the happiness out of myself sometimes.

I refer to this sadness that builds inside me as the darkness.  It's almost as if it seeps in through my veins and slowly grabs hold of each tendril of my soul until it has taken over.  I try to kick it out.  Most of the time I find it impossible to beat.

This darkness grabs me often when I'm transitioning from a high in my male life.  When I am coming down from that high, this darkness blindsides me and tears me down.  I want it to stop.  I just don't know how.

My darkness reminds me a lot of a Green Day lyric.  It is amazing how much your mind can play tricks on you and make you think no one cares when they actually do.  The human mind can be amazing and beautiful at times.  It can also spin your thoughts into paranoia and make the worst enemy in your life actually you.  The following is the lyric:

"No body likes you
everyone left you
they're all out without you
having fun"

I need this to change.  The problem is that I simply cannot afford to become Madi right now.  I am massively in debt from college and just feel like I am scraping by as is.

~Madi~

A Fun Post

I decided to make a list of some of the most girly things about me, and not girly things about me.  This is what I came up with.  Try not to get offended...some of these are stereotypical!

Girly
1.  I wear girl clothes.  As do girls.  That's pretty girly!
2.  I secretly love "chick flicks" and romance novels.
3.  I love the color pink.
4.  I kind of have a badonkadonk behind.
5.  I flirt with guys.  I love when they flirt with me first.
6.  I say the word cute a lot.
7.  My hips might be child bearing.
8.  I landmark directions.
9.  I sit like a girl (legs crossed, legs wrapped against my chest...ect.)
10.  I think and react to situations like a girl.

Non-Girly
1.  I am kind a freak athlete.  That's not to say that girls aren't...it's just not many girls throw 80 mph overhand, have a 180 average in bowling, drive a golf ball 300 yards and played high school football.
2.  I have this dumb thing called a...well you know.  It's "down there."
3.  I'm hairy as the dickens.
4.  I'm super aggressive and competitive in EVERYTHING.
5.  I constantly watch sports in my free time.
6.  I know the infield fly rule.
7.  I have a receding hair line.
8.  I have cankles.
9.  I'm a pretty big gamer...more girls are becoming gamers too...
10.  My students call me Mr.

Looking at this list...my non-girly things are more gender neutral.  I'm SO a girl.

~Madi~

Girl.

Ok.  I have been getting a lot of questions lately about what I like to be called/considered.  A couple things about the way my mind works...

I'm not an it.  I am completely a girl and LOVE being called girl, chica, princess (be honest...you like it too) or any other word.  She is great.  Her is awesome as well.

When talking to me, I love being referred to as Madi.  A few of you have even put me in your phones as Madi and that makes me feel so happy!  I wouldn't mind Madison, Madelyne, Madz, or any other form of the name either!  Just don't call me son...I have been one of those for way too long and it is dumb.

If I seem quiet and I am not talking much, just realize that I might be in my other character...the boy one that is stupid :)  I really love talking to all of you and it has been so great the last few weeks!!!

So there.  I hope that helps!  In my mind I am a girl...and would love for you all to view me that way if you can!!! :)

~Madi~

A Crazy Week

This has truly been a crazy week.  As I sit at my computer looking back at all that has happened, I am touched by the support I am getting from all of you.  It means so much to be cared about.  A lot of you have expressed that you can't truly understand what I am going through.  I completely am OK with that!!  Just the fact that you are willing to listen and be a part of this means the world.

I am one friend away from 40!  That is kind of amazing considering that I wasn't even at 30 when 2013 started.  I am trying to find all the people I have told in the past.  It is an exhilarating experience opening up to people!  It is extremely scary as well.

The girl part of my post this week:  I realized this week I have never been called princess.  I didn't grow up the way most of you did.  That is tough to handle sometimes.  As I have been watching movies and reading books, I have started to realize that I identify with the main female characters.  It is something I never thought of before.

As I move into the next chapters of my life, it is exciting to know that I am going forward.  It is scary to think that I have come so far in 4 months.  My life was stagnant since about junior year in high school when I started telling people.   I still have a long way to go.

I hope you will be there with me!! :)

~Madi~

A Quick Update

Hey Everyone!

I have some updates for people.  Some of them may be surprising while others you may have already noticed.

First and foremost, I have started to wear girl's clothing a lot more often.  It's been an exciting and frustrating experience.  The exciting part is that I actually fill out girl's pants pretty well!  It has been frustrating because I don't know how to order clothes online to my place without my roommates finding out.  I am not ready for my roommate to know about me yet.  If he saw Forever 21 on a package sent here I am pretty sure questions would start flying!

I have also started to tell a lot more people!  These people are allowing me to network more and reach out and find other girls out there like me.  I am so thankful for these new friends!  It has been a roller coaster ride but it finally feels like I am making some progress!!

To all the girls that knew already:  thank you so much for all the support you give!  We have talked a lot in the past week and I have been so much happier as a result.

That being said, if anyone has a solution to my clothes mailing issue, let me know!  I have some really cute clothes I want to get but I can't quite find out how to get here...

Thanks everyone!  You are all so amazing!!

~Madi~

But you like Sports!

So some of the following are issues that I have had in my identity.  Others are questions I have gotten from girls when I come out to them.

1.  But you like sports so much!

Initially, I struggled with this too.  Then I remembered:  girls play sports too!  In high school, I totally would have been that girl that played basketball, softball and tennis.  I would have loved every minute of it.  There are plenty of other girls like that.

2.  You don't seem very girly in person.

It is all an act.  I have been forced to live my life as an act.  I have become very adept at acting as a male.  It is pretty easy to do.  Act cocky.  Spread your legs.  Walk tough.

3.  You have dated girls!

So have some of my friends.  I have also "dated" guys...or more...I've done stuff with guys.  Who you like has nothing to do with what gender you are!

4.  You have a very bulky physique.

This is what I have struggled with the most.  Call me superficial...but like most girls I have a strong desire to be cute.  Right now, I am learning that girls' clothes fit me pretty well on the bottom.  It's tops that don't fit all that well.  When on hormones, your muscles actually shrink and your body becomes more curvy.  I am hoping that that takes care of some of the additional bulk I have.

Thanks to everyone out there supporting me!  I love talking about this, so keep asking questions!

~Madi~