A Strategy

Hello Everyone!

So I have been thinking about this a lot now.  How can I possibly do this transition financially?  I am sitting here with student loans of about $300 a month, rent and utilities of about $550 on top of food and what not of about $100-200 a month.  How can I afford everything for the transition with these expenses?

I really need some help on this.  Financial barriers are the number 1 reason as to why I have not already started.  I would prefer not being homeless in my transition.

Any ideas, please shoot them out there!  I need some help.

Madi

As I Lay Awake

As I was sitting around tonight, I started to think of something that comes up often in my thoughts.  I start to think of the happiness I could achieve through the transition.  That being said, happiness is not the only emotion I would experience.

I want you all to think about your life.  If you are female, think of all the milestones you went through in growing up.  Hanging out with your friends at sleepovers and talking about boys as teenagers, getting boobs at the same time as your friends, your first period (which even though you think it sucks, would you consider yourself a full woman without it?), your first Homecoming/Prom dress, your first boyfriend, among other experiences.

It's these experience I have to realize that I missed out upon.  It is painful and truly disheartening for me to know that I missed them.

For all of the ladies out there comfortable in your skin, realize how lucky and beautiful you are to just be you.  Regardless of what anyone says, you are what you are.  There are people out there who are truly jealous of what you have.

Thanks for reading...sorry for the sad topic :(

The Answer to: Why?

I have had a lot of people ask me lately why I haven't gone through with my transition.  And honestly, it is a really tough thing for me to answer.  First off, I am not proud of where I am currently at.  I will save a lot of those reasons for a later post.  So here is my best explanation as to why.

For starters, I am in debt.  I went to college immediately after high school and racked up 30,000+ in student loans.  On top of that, I went into a field that is not very high paying.  This lack of money makes for a very difficult transition.  Secondly, I am in an extremely public field.  It would be a very "big deal" to all if I went through my transition in my job.  And finally, I am afraid of telling my family.  I would feel that I am disappointing them...that is really hard on me.

I want you all to imagine my situation.  I am already living on a tight budget, yet I am not who I truly want to be.  What do I do?  I have countless nights where I am on the verge of tears over all of this.  I simply cannot afford it.  How do I pay off student loans?  How do I pay rent for a place?  Where do I work so that I can be making some money, yet still go through a transition while holding that job?

It is a stressful life...I hope this really helps you understand another tough facet of it.

Thank you everyone for being there for me :)

A Night of Awkwardness

So last night I went out with a bunch of my high school friends.  Now, this should be a normal experience for anyone.  The problem is, I feel so unbelievably awkward in "hookup situations."  As we are out and everyone is mingling with people they find intriguing, I found myself withdrawing to a corner and kind of staying away.  How am I supposed to pursue who I find interesting when I look completely different than I feel?

A little about what eventually happened.  As we were all discussing a potential "hookup" for a friend, I started talking to a friend of mine who knows all of this about me.  It was about the only time I found myself actively engaging in conversations with people the whole night.  It is amazing to me that, in 24 years of life in a male body, that the only time I felt comfortable all night was either when I was on my own watching or when I was talking with a trust friend.

I don't wish this life on anyone.  It is truly a journey of experiences that are consistently awkward.  The sadness that usually takes over when you are alone doesn't help either.

At least I have all of you who support me!  Maybe someday soon all of this will be in the past :)

An Introduction to Madi

Hello everyone!  My name is Madison Nicole, and, despite what anyone and anything may say, I am a girl.  I was born a boy in Wisconsin, and am not living as a boy in Wisconsin.  That will hopefully soon change...

In this Blog, I am going to take you through my life experiences to tell the story of a life of Hell, sadness, and perspective.

So saddle up, because it is going to hopefully be a fun ride!