An Open Letter to God

I have been noticeably absent these last two weeks.  I need to let you all know a few things about what has been going on.  I'm going to do this by writing a letter to God.

Dear God,

I must ask, why?

The world we live in is inundated with pain.  I work at a school that is torn in shambles.  I live a life that tears me apart with every moment and leaves me bitter late at night and sad every morning.  Yet still I work hard to keep going.

A week and a half ago, a 16 year old girl that I work with everyday was diagnosed with cancer.  I have cried a river of tears for this student.  She is an amazing person from an amazing family.  Why does cancer have to exist?  Why does it have to be her?

Then, I had an idea.  Maybe you pick the strongest people to fight the toughest battles.  If that is the case then you couldn't have picked a stronger person.  Still, it seems a bit sick that she was chosen for this life.  It seems equally as sick that all of us have to watch as she fights to live every day.

I understand why people think you don't exist.  Take my life for example.  I live each and every day torn between genders.  I fully understand that I am female, yet I life as a male.  I have reacted in terrible ways.  I have done drugs.  I have caused harm to myself.  I have torn relationships I have with people to the ground.

Does it really seem like we are all fighting a fair fight?

I respect that you think I am strong.  I respect that you think the girl I work with is strong.  That being said, I will fight every waking moment to make sure she is ok.  If it means I have to trade starting my life as a female just so that I can invest every ounce of my energy into her battle then I will.  No 16 year old kid deserves this.  It isn't fair.  Even if it is just a test.

I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am sad.  I am confused.

Yet in the end, I am strong.  Our community is strong.  The community we live in will win.  The girl I am rooting for will pass this test.  We will all move on.

Maybe some day this will all make sense.  That day is not today.  I really hope it is tomorrow.

~Madi~

A Life Update

Hey Everyone,

Lately I have been unbelievably busy!  It has become tougher and tougher to have some Madi time.  As a result, I feel like a lot of my progress made is lost.  I also worry that I haven't kept in touch with all of you well enough.  I hope you all aren't offended!!

I have thought a lot lately about the impact I make on high school kids.  As a teacher and coach, I directly impact the lives of so many people.  I have been extremely successful as a coach and have made life changing differences in the lives of some troubled kids.

The problem with this all is that I might lose all of this when I transition.  I don't want to just hide and be Madi privately.  I want Madi to be a difference maker in the lives of people she comes in contact with.

I hope I can find my path!

~Madi~

My Obsession and Literature

So some of you may know that I read about 50-60 books each year.  I have a wide array of interests in literature and I try to read as often as I can.  What you may not know about my love in literature is how much I love vampire fiction.  I realize that vampire fiction is almost "too girly" and overplayed.  I need you to understand why it means so much to me and why I think I will always love it.

In every vampire novel there is either a transition, a wish to have a transition, or a story told after a transition took place.  This transition is so much like what I will go through.  In Twilight, for instance, Bella really wants to become a vampire even knowing it will ruin all of her relationships with the humans she currently knows.  This tough decision will not be without pain.

Sound like anyone you know?  Take out vampire and replace it with girl and you have me.

Vampire fiction describes me to the very core.  I won't suck your blood...

That being said, I have even gone further into vampire fiction.  I have shared with some of you the book I have started to write.  The book is taking me forever.  I have six chapters currently written and it is still in a rough draft stage.  Nonetheless, it is a story of love and vampires that places the transition of someone into something else at the very core of the novel.  What will the main characters keep of their former selves to bring into this new life?

Let me know if you want to read it so far :)

~Madi~