I'm Scared

This post isn't going to be easy to write.  I understand that my general mood has been rather depressed lately, and I am sorry for that.  Just understand that these things hit me very inconsistently.  Lately, I have felt like the roller coaster has led me underground.  It's dark down here.  And I am very scared.

I am going to start with a confession.  My junior year in high school was really tough.  I was losing a lot of my best friends to college and the whole transgendered thing really captured my identity.  I started coming out to select people and it made everything more real.  As a result, I became scared.  This terrible feeling led to my first stint with heroin use.  I don't tell people about this often.  But I would shoot up about two times a month during my junior year.

Some serious crap occurred early in my senior year and I stopped.  I realized how wrong heroin use was so I gave it up.  I went to college my freshman year and it started again.  I knew I had to transfer closer to my friends, so I did.  I have been clean from the stuff for 7 years now.  I am extremely proud of this accomplishment.

But the urge doesn't always go away.  When I get really down on myself I notice myself looking at my veins and thinking about the amazing high I used to feel.  It calmed me.  The warmth that ran through my body when I used was a feeling that got my brain off of thinking about my pain.

I don't want to go back.  Last night I thought about it again and I said no way.  But I need something good in my life.  I don't even want to think about heroin anymore.

The other thing I am scared of is that I am 25 years old.  I have lost so many moments of what should be my female life.  I am deep in debt and am not in the current position to move forward with my transition.  I am stuck.  And I just feel like I am going further and further underground.

So yeah.  Sorry for this depressing post...