It's rather amazing how a dream can have such an impact on a life.
This all happened last night. My dream led me to high school again and as I looked down, I had on a cute skirt and blouse combination. I am not sure if I was in drag or if I was actually a girl, but I was at school and living female.
I got to experience a full day as a female. It was amazing. I had friends that were female that treated me as such. Guys playfully talked to me and it felt great. Then I woke up.
I woke up and the feelings of being beautiful and female put me in a great mood. I loved the morning and took charge of my afternoon. Then night hit...
I am not longing for that feeling again. It seems that whenever I have a high I cannot help but experience a low so low that I just want to sit and give up. Sometimes I think being transgendered is like being addicted to a drug. You become so attached to the highs you sometimes feel and then cannot manage the lows. You then act out and try to do something that makes you feel that high again. It can be a healthy thing (like going out in female attire for the first time) or it can be a terrible thing (like drug use or self punishment).
This life is rough. I know what people are going to say. I am going to be told to act on it. I am going to be told I am beautiful the way I am. That is all good and great. The issue is I am not at the point in my life where my roadblocks are pushed out of the way yet. I don't pity anyone who has to go through this life. I wish I was ready and financially able to be who I actually am.
~Madi~ :(
