This post isn't going to be easy to write. I understand that my general mood has been rather depressed lately, and I am sorry for that. Just understand that these things hit me very inconsistently. Lately, I have felt like the roller coaster has led me underground. It's dark down here. And I am very scared.
I am going to start with a confession. My junior year in high school was really tough. I was losing a lot of my best friends to college and the whole transgendered thing really captured my identity. I started coming out to select people and it made everything more real. As a result, I became scared. This terrible feeling led to my first stint with heroin use. I don't tell people about this often. But I would shoot up about two times a month during my junior year.
Some serious crap occurred early in my senior year and I stopped. I realized how wrong heroin use was so I gave it up. I went to college my freshman year and it started again. I knew I had to transfer closer to my friends, so I did. I have been clean from the stuff for 7 years now. I am extremely proud of this accomplishment.
But the urge doesn't always go away. When I get really down on myself I notice myself looking at my veins and thinking about the amazing high I used to feel. It calmed me. The warmth that ran through my body when I used was a feeling that got my brain off of thinking about my pain.
I don't want to go back. Last night I thought about it again and I said no way. But I need something good in my life. I don't even want to think about heroin anymore.
The other thing I am scared of is that I am 25 years old. I have lost so many moments of what should be my female life. I am deep in debt and am not in the current position to move forward with my transition. I am stuck. And I just feel like I am going further and further underground.
So yeah. Sorry for this depressing post...
